Glendale News Press
Published March 12, 2005
FROM THE MARGINS
A pair doesn’t beat a flush
By PATRICK AZADIAN
FROM THE MARGINS – According to the Bible, after Noah’s Ark landed
on Mount Ararat, humankind was given a second chance to redeem
itself. Just to make sure redemption was not left to chance, different
groups were assigned unique languages from the heavens to discourage
the exchange of destructive ideas.
There was probably some kind of a meeting, where up-and-coming nations
were assigned their respective lingo and handed out the resources
to prosper.
It’s not clear why the Armenians were short-changed in this
meeting. Rumor has it that the Armenian representatives may have been
late. Another version of the story suggests that the representatives
were too timid to ask for their rights. They kept quiet in order to
win the authorities’ affection. By the time they had learned the rules
of the game, most of the special coupons had already been handed out.
The Italians were given the right to rule the West for decades as
Romans, and later, the ability to produce mobster movies without
damaging their image. The Chinese were given the ability to multiply
until they were the most populous nation on Earth and suppress Tibet
without meaningful sanctions from the West. The Greeks, of course,
were to set the foundations of Western civilization and democracy.
Armenians finally asked: “What do we get?”
The answer went something like this: “There isn’t much real estate
left, so we’ll have to squeeze you in a rugged land among hostile
nations. Not only will the land lack natural resources, but it will
also be earthquake-prone. All the coupons for having an expansionist
army have already been handed out, so there will be none of that
nonsense for you guys. Just to give you the heads-up though, there
will be an attempt to annihilate you. The only thing we can do for you
at this time is to give you two of everything.” The representatives
responded: “We’ll take it!”
The deal went as follows: “We can give you two types of Armenian
coffee. Those of you living in the Western provinces will make coffee
without the ‘purpoor’ (foam in Armenian) and the ones from the East
will enjoy it with ‘kaf’ (foam in Persian). In the West you will have
to boil the water first and then add coffee, while the rest of you
will bring the coffee and the water to boil together.
“You’ve tentatively been assigned a majestic mountain, called
Ararat. At some point, we’ll have to take it away from you, but
you can still think it’s yours. It will be a look-but-don’t-touch
situation. There will actually be two Ararats, the small one and
the big one. Just in case you get bored of the name, since we have
a feeling you’re going to call everything from old folks’ homes to
wild-cherry jams ‘Ararat,’ we’ll let you call the mountain ‘Massis’
as well.
“Your language will be its own branch of the Indo-European
languages. You can have two dialects, Eastern and Western. You can
also have two ways to spell words, one originating from Mesrob, the
guy who’ll come up with your alphabet, and the other will be courtesy
of the Soviets, who will try to expedite the spread of literacy and
Leninism when they rule Armenia. “As a bonus to the language deal,
you can have two ways of saying ‘spoon.’ The ones in the East will
call it ‘ktal,’ and the ones West will call it ‘tkal.’
“Unofficially, there will be two Armenias: Western and Eastern. You
can also have two Armenias in yet another sense. One will be like any
other developing nation, with its own set of achievements as well as
problems, including corruption, unfair distribution of wealth and
poverty. The other Armenia will be in the minds of Armenians who
have no desire to live there. This Armenia will be an illusion,
a paradise where no societal ills exist, a utopia where no other
nation has ever been able to achieve.
“You will get two opportunities to become an independent nation in
modern times. One in 1918, which will last two years. The next will
be in 1991. Because of this, you can enjoy two independence days,
one in May, and one in September. This will give you the opportunity
to organize two sets of picnics every year.
“Last, but not least, you’ll have two separate Apostolic church
structures. This will be a legacy of the Cold War, but you will get
attached to it so much, you’ll probably want to keep it forever.
“Finally, you have a choice of having a relatively glamorous
civilization now or later. What do you prefer, ancient glory or
modern splendor?” The Armenians asked: “What are other nations doing?”
The answer was: “The Persians and the Greeks have asked to cash in
on glamour soon. The Americans have passed up the option for later
in history.” Since the Americans were unknown in ancient times,
Armenians decided to follow a familiar example:
“We’ll do what the Greeks are doing. We’ll take glory now, suffer
later.”
* PATRICK AZADIAN works and lives in Glendale, he can be reached
at [email protected]