ABC’s ‘Fallen Idol’ Shocker Redeems Tony Blair
Spoofnews.com
Monday, 02 May 2005
ABC is still making last minute changes to the news special “Fallen
Idol.” Correspondent John Quinones has uncovered the reputed criminal
syndicate behind “American Idol.” The 19 Entertainment underworld
empire is so far flung that “Good Morning America” will run additional
reports Thursday and Friday. Wednesday night, ABC News will expose
“Idol” Kelly Clarkson’s role in a massive international coverup. This
new scandal will have an eleventh hour impact on elections in the
United Kingdom on Thursday.
Voters go to the polls in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern
Ireland to elect 659 members to the House of Commons. The Prime
Minister will be the leader of the party able to broker a coalition
majority. Polls show current PM Tony Blair’s Labour Party pulling 40%
of the vote, but a private Labour poll shows very tight margins in key
districts. The latest poll by The Guardian shows that 55 percent of
voters think Blair is charismatic, 44 percent think he is slippery,
and 33 percent said he’s creepy.
Last minute revelations about Blair’s Iraq policy might prove to be
his undoing. Newly released secret documents reveal that a year before
the war, Blair was committed to supporting George Bush’s desire for
regime change in Iraq.
In a memo to Blair dated March 14, 2002, foreign policy adviser Sir
David Manning said he told Condoleezza Rice “you would not budge
in your support for regime change but you had to manage a press,
a parliament and a public opinion”. In public, Blair was telling
Parliment no decision had been made.
A classified document titled “Iraq: Conditions for Military Action,”
stated that the next month, “the prime minister discussed Iraq with
President Bush at Crawford in April he said that the UK would support
military action to bring about regime change”.
The Attorney General, Lord Peter Goldsmith, wrote Blair a 13
page secret memo on March 7, 2003. Less than two weeks before the
invasion of Iraq, Blair was advised that regime change was not grounds
for war. The memo also advised that Iraq was in material breach of
previous UN Security Council resolutions, but a any mandate for war
was open to interpretation. To fully justify war, more evidence that
Iraq still had weapons of mass destruction was needed.
Iraq was invaded on March 19, 2003. To this day, no weapons of mass
destruction have been found.
The home of “Azerbaijani Idol” is a glamorous complex between Baku,
the capital, and Sumqayit. Straddling the middle of the narrow Aberson
Peninsula, the 750 acre campus offers fabulous views of the Caspian
Sea in three directions.
The crown jewel is the 140,000 seat stadium where auditions are
held. The huge bowl style arena dwarfs the 92,542 seat Rose Bowl
Stadium which inspired its design. Lambeau Field could hide in its
shadow. Soccer matches and concerts are held year round.
A 5,000 seat theater, nicknamed “Hollywood” is used for the second
round of auditions and the semi-finals. On a huge cul-de-sac, twelve
palatial homes with full domestic staffs house the finalists. A fleet
of Bentleys transport them each day to the 15,000 seat indoor arena
where the finals and results shows are broadcast.
All this in a country of 7.8 million people. Why does “American Idol”
have to rough it by comparison?
Once again, ABC’s John Quinones followed the money. A short trail of
Swiss bank accounts and phony stock transactions ended 400 miles away
– in Baghdad. That’s right, Saddam Hussein financed the construction
of the “Azerbaijani Idol” complex in 2001, tapping into a fortune
amassed by decades of looting the Iraqi coffers.
Bakunian gossip columnists say that Hussien put up the money when
he became hooked on the original “Pop Idol.” ABC News decided to dig
deeper. They sent five producers undercover to work as laborers in the
“AzI” complex. The four who came back alive had an astonishing story
to tell.
An huge rail terminal beneath the “AzI” campus gives Bakunians easy
access to the bowl stadium, theater and arena. The undercover ABC
laborers noticed a train track that mysteriously ran past the end
of the commuter train platform. They found a huge steel door closing
off the tunnel.
Once on the other side, they descended through five levels of
decontamination chambers and staging areas, like a real world Project
Wildfire complex. In fact, ABC hidden cameras caught “ER” Executive
Producer and author of “The Andromeda Strain,” Michael Crichton
getting a tour of his sci-fi vision brought to life.
After passing through the final level, ABC’s team was led into a vast
underground cavern dubbed “igloo village.”
ABC producers found an almost infinite cocktail of chemical,
biological and even crude nuclear weapons. The “Azerbaijani Idol”
campus sat atop the ultra top secret stockpile of Saddam Hussein’s
weapons of mass destruction.
In the fall of 2002, Saddam Hussein knew his number was
up. U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld kept tinkering with plans
for the Iraqi invasion, but the ruthless dictator was ruling on
borrowed time. Saddam had to move his stockpiles to Baku.
Hussein turn to his 19 partners for help. The deployment would have
to move across northernmost Iran and disputed territory claimed by
Armenia and Azerbaijan. But 19 crime emperor Simon Fuller came up with
a brilliant cover. The convoy would be disguised as the “Pan-Arabic
Idol” tour. To give it even more credibilty, 19-controlled Arab news
channel Al-Jazeera sponsored the tour. Al-Jazeera’s handler Simon
Cowell handpicked the woman who would command the movement.
Kelly Clarkson grew up in the hardscrabble town of Burleson, TX, past
the outskirts of the Dallas Metroplex. She learned many lessons during
her rough and tumble girlhood. Kelly can use a police baton to inflict
pain with the skill of a Singaporean caner. She once threw a sumo
wrester off the roof of a the tallest skyscraper in Dallas. Clarkson
is fluent in seven languages and has a photographic memory. Kelly
can tie a cherry stem into a hangman’s noose with her tongue.
Most importantly, Clarkson is a brilliant logistician, able to
integrate the most obscure details into a cohesive plan. Plus,
rumor has it that she chews raw metal instead of tobacco and spits
out tacks. Kelly is truly the embodiment of Miss Independent.
For her “American Idol” audition, Kelly shuttled illegal immigrants
between Paula Abdul’s “drop houses” along the Interstate 10 corridor.
Abdul was gushing when the judges unanimously put Kelly through
to Hollywood.
The “Pan-Arabic Idol Tour Presented By Al-Jazeera” moved across some
dangerous territory. Clarkson marshalled Saddam Hussien’s demonic
arsenal at the Iraqi town of Arbil, east of Mosul. Diana Karazon
of Jordan, the “Pan-Arabic Idol,” and the other finalists rehearsed
while the convoy was lined up.
After crossing into Iran, the tour drove along the shore of Lake Urmia
to their gig in Khvoy. When they arrived a throng of hysterical,
cheering fans were waiting. The small town put on a reception that
eclipsed Conrad Birdie’s arrival in Sweet Apple.
The concert was an incredible success. Local government officials
decided to holdover the tour for a second show. Under the cover
of darkness, Clarkson rallied her convoy to storm through a 20 mile
sprint for the Azerbaijani border. “Clarkson’s Chargers” as they were
now called, stopped to rest and refuel at the border town of Naxcivan,
waving to the Iranian fans who gave chase.
The next day, the convoy passed through the strip of mountainous
territory that comprised southern Armenia. Outside the village of
Goris, Clarkson faced her moment of truth.
A squad of armed Armenian militia blocked the road. Clarkson set both
of her AK-47s to auto. She jumped atop the lead vehicle. The stocks of
her assault rifles were pressed against her voluptuous, inviting hips.
Without warning, Kelly unleashed a hail of gunfire on the enemy. The
recoil from her weapons made her supple, pear-shaped bottom quiver.
When the smoke cleared, her breasts still heaving, Clarkson kicked the
bodies of the militiamen to the side of the road. The smells of sex
and death lingered in the air. The show at Goris was cancelled. Saddam
Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction rolled on to their secret hiding
place in Baku, far beneath the studios of “Azerbaijani Idol.”
From: Emil Lazarian | Ararat NewsPress