KEITH KEENER’S POSITIVE THOUGHTS
San Francisco Caller
San Francisco, CA, USA
April, 2006
Part 1 and part 2 of Keith Keener’s Positive Thoughts were written
some 3 years ago – they must have struck a cord. I continue to
receive an outpouring of mail, most of it people expressing agreement
with my support of President Bush and the War on Evil. In fact,
the question most people asked me is, “Besides flying the American
flag and participating in hate crimes, how can I show my support for
the President?”
Actually, most of the so-called “hate crimes” you’re talking about
are directed at terrorists, so they’re really motivated by love for
America. It’s time to start calling them “love crimes.” Actually, now
that I think of it, “crimes” doesn’t really best capture this. Maybe
“making love.” Though I think that one’s taken.
Since you’ve asked, though, the best thing you can do is to start
boycotting right now. France refuses to go along with America on our
pre-emptive retaliation at Iraq, so I say, start boycotting French
wine, French cheese, etc. I live in Wisconsin, so I don’t even eat
French cheese (why would I, with good old Wisconsin fried cheese
curds all around?) or drink French wine (again, with Wollersheim
Winery located in Prairie du Sac, Wisconsin, I don’t need to import).
I can’t stop eating French fries, so like many Americans, I’m calling
them “Freedom fries.” And there’s also “freedom toast.”
We should also be boycotting Turkish stuff, because of the way that
Turkey has treated us. President Bush generously offered Turkey
something like 90 billion dollars in aid, plus U.S. special forces
to use in fighting the Armenian menace. He then pledged to remove,
by executive order, the word “Armenia” from American dictionaries,
which he has already whittled down to just about 600 words in previous
presidential decrees. Come to think of it, he already took “whittle”
out of U.S. dictionaries, so I have to rewrite that sentence or start
using British English, whatever the heck that is. Anyway, I don’t think
I can boycott any Turkish things, so I am trying to think of a good
way to rename “Turkish taffy,” which is that country’s most important
cultural legacy. They’re also really mad about the popularity of My
Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Anyway, the upshot of this is, if you see someone wearing a beret
or a fez, I suggest that you make love. Or commit a love crime,
whichever you think is the better way to say this.
Sorry for the long intro, but it sort of ends Part 1 and 2 of the
Positive Thoughts. Until next time.
PMB 31 322 Cortland Avenue San Francisco, CA 94110.