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Making up is hard to do
Monday, January 15, 2007
By HEATHER HADDON
HERALD NEWS
Anger and abandonment. Alcohol and depression. Blame and estrangement.
The O’Keeffes have experienced these divisive emotions and hurtful
responses. Local psychologists say they constantly see families torn
apart by them.
"It’s far too common," said Dr. Anie Kalayjian, a psychologist based
in Cliffside Park.
Family traumas can stem from amicable divorces and property disputes,
or devastating events such as abuse or murder. Reactions can include
road rage and irritation at one’s neighbors, or, in the extreme,
alcoholism, hopelessness and an inability to form meaningful
relationships.
People all respond to trauma differently. When it’s a shared
experience, as in a family, individuals often deflect their own hurt
by yelling at others, making up stories or denying the issue
altogether. Pain often breaks families apart rather than bringing them
together, with individuals ceasing contact or moving far away.
"Everyone is grieving, and that makes it very hard to support each
other and comfort each," said Andrea Wasser-Malmud of NewBridge
Services, a mental health organization based in Pompton Plains.
Once fissures occur, they are difficult to mend. Family members tend
to assume different roles — the co-dependent caretaker, needy victim,
or angry rebel — and act out accordingly.
The hurt and rejection typically gets passed between generations. It
often becomes a bigger issue when estranged children start families of
their own.
"They see the way that they start parenting, and it can remind them of
their own parent," said Caroline Clauss-Ehlers, a trauma specialist
and Rutgers University professor.
Those who seek an estranged family member must brace themselves for
further pain. People sometimes don’t reciprocate, or they harbor anger
that is just as fresh as when the fissure occurred.
"It’s almost like (the anger and distrust) happened yesterday," said
Kalayjian, who is completing a book on forgiveness.
Wasser-Malmud braces her clients for initially unfulfilling
outcomes. "The key is to have realistic expectations. And that’s
hard," she said.
If estranged family members do reunite, they shouldn’t seek an
emotional blowout. Better to take measured steps with feelings, and
only ask for information in digestible doses. Going to a movie
together can be a better scenario than sitting across the family
dinner table, Wasser-Malmud advised.
Reuniting is hard work. People are human beings with their strengths
and weaknesses. They can hug or throw stones.
But the reunion process, when done slowly and realistically, often
shakes off emotional boulders. Psychologists say it is the key to
breaking a cycle of trauma and forming healthy ties among spouses and
children. It can bring a freeing feeling and a sense of stability.
"By getting some of the answers, it can help you have a sense of
closure and peace," Wasser-Malmud said. "It gives you a chance to have
your family back, or to move on."
Reach Heather Haddon at 973-569-7121 or [email protected].