CHINA HATES FAT PIRATES

The Spoof (satire), UK
June 15 2007

The story below is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
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Chinese censors have cut half the scenes with Chow Yun-Fat from the
new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie, saying they insult, vilify
and deface the Chinese people. Hollywood is still reeling from the
Persian backlash against negative portrayals in "300". "Damn, we’re
running out of people to demonize," said one Hollywood producer. "All
we have left is the Armenians and what kind of action flick can you
make out of that?"

A Chinese magazine, Popular Cinema, suggested the scenes were cut
because of the negative images they showed. "The captain starring Chow
is bald, his face heavily scarred, he also wears a long beard and
has long nails, images still in line with Hollywood’s old tradition
of demonizing the Chinese," the magazine said. A spokesman for the
Railroad Commission disputed that claim, however, insisting that
the title for the most sustained stereotypical exploitation of the
Chinese belongs to them.

The Chinese reaction is simply the first of numerous protests by
groups claiming negative images in the film. Gay groups have lampooned
Johnny Depp’s portrayal of the foppish Captain Jack Sparrow. "That
eyeliner was all wrong for him, "said the spokesman for GAWD (Gays
Against Working with Depp). It is claimed that as a result of his
derogatory depiction and bad fashion sense, members have subjected
to an increasing number of "pirate" and "booty" jokes.

Animal activists are also aghast by the depiction of the monkey
in the film. "I’m shocked some people find firing a flaming monkey
from a cannon acceptable behavior," said the spokesperson from DUMB
(Don’t Use Monkeys as Bullets). They also claimed a scene where the
monkey pulled a pistol on the parrot unfairly characterized monkeys as
"excessively violent opportunists".

An alcohol support group, SAVED (Society of Alcoholics Vicariously
Enjoying Drinking), weighed in as well. Besides nothing that Keith
Richards wasn’t nearly drunk enough, they asked the question, "Why
is there never any rum?"

So far members of the trans-species community haven’t publicly
commented yet. However, there is some concern that the negative
depictions of the crew of the Dutchman might have repercussions
resulting in species profiling. An ACLU lawyer pointed out that
cultural insensitivity to aquatic hybrids is already prevalent in our
society. "Why does something being ‘fishy’ imply dishonesty anyway?"