Today’s Zaman, Turkey
Jan 20 2008

Host or guest?

by AYSE KARABAT

In Turkish culture, fathers’ advice to their children is usually
unforgettable. Turkish mothers’ advice is usually about practical
matters of daily life, but when it comes to fathers it is a different
story. Usually the father’s bequeathing of advice is a ceremonial
event. The fathers sits as a representative of authority, he looks
into your eyes, speaks slowly — making sure not to say too much,
perhaps just a sentence — and leaves you alone to think.
My father did the same to my brother and I. There are only a few
pieces of advice that he gave to us. I kept all of it. But there is
one piece of advice from my father which, although I kept it, I was
never able to fully understand. He told us that to be a guest can be
nice, but to be the host is nicer and you should never go out to
dinner as a guest — even with your best friend — if you don’t have
enough money in your pocket to pay your portion of the bill.

I used to think that this advice had something to do with courtesy.
But, on the other hand, a piece of advice about courtesy would not
have warranted this patriarchal ceremony.

When I heard this advice a second time, I asked him why. His answer
was that even if you are with your best friend being able to pay your
own bill gives you freedom to speak and act. Not being a guest gives
you freedom. I had some difficulty understanding this.

In Iran, being a guest is quite different. Even in a restaurant,
after having your meal, when you ask for the bill the waitress will
most likely say, "It is on the house, you are guests." It happened to
me several times. Of course, as a customer you have to say, "Please,
I insist on paying." Once I asked a friend of mine who lived in Iran
for a long time, "What happens if you say, ‘thank you’ and just
leave?" He laughed and said, "They will run after you with the bill."
I had some difficulty understand this, as well.

To be a guest or a host in Western culture is also different and, if
must confess, it is sometimes surprising for me. The customs of
hospitality can raise eyebrows amongst us Turks. We have a tendency
to think that they are not giving us enough importance. When I
discussed this with a European friend of mine who is familiar with
Turkish culture he told me, "No, it is just because we want to make
our guests feel comfortable."

Here again, I had some difficulty understanding what he meant. When I
am together with Europeans, if I am the host, I am not sure about my
limits. For example, should I ask them to "please have some more" or
not? If I say it, will I be disturbing them? If I don’t say it, will
it be impolite? When I am a guest, should I wait to be offered?
Finally, after getting some experience, I decided to follow a
different pattern: If I am the host, I put everything in the middle
and say, "Please help yourself." If I am a guest, I take whatever I
want from the middle of the table. I think this leads to equality
between the host and the guest.

Recently a diplomat asked me if Turks like foreigners or not —
particularly European ones. After thinking for a while, I said, "Yes
and no, it depends on the situation." I had some difficulty
expressing what I meant.

This week, when we were holding an interview with Dr. Murat Paker, he
pointed out that, like all eastern cultures, we like guests. We try
to help them to such an extent that we run the risk of boring them
and overstepping our boundaries. But we are hospitable only if the
guests know that they are guests. If they try to be equal partners,
if they try to point out our shortcomings, we do not like them. As
long as they show gratitude to us as hosts, they are welcome.

According to him, there is a political side to this understanding: If
the foreigners are not telling us what to do or not to do, they are
most welcome. He added that in the sovereign political culture of
Turkey, not only foreigners but also Turkish Greeks and Turkish
Armenians are considered guests.

It was only at that moment that I was able to understand the value of
my father’s advice, the Western and Iranian style of being a guest
and host and my friend when he spoke of the Western sense of
equality. I remember a Turkish Greek friend of mine who immigrated to
Greece a long time ago. He told me that was not allowed to feel like
a host in Turkey or in Greece, but he did not feel like a guest,
either.

Our dear colleague Hrant Dink was a host, but he was slaughtered by
an ideology that thinks he was a guest overstepping the limits. We
should never give up our efforts for stopping this sick ideology,
because none of us are the hosts in this world and none of us are
guests, we are just here to share a very grand meal in coexistence
and peace.