MY LIFE AS A MINORITY
Mark Derian

OSU Sentinel
orage/paper1151/news/2008/01/23/Commentary/My.Life .As.A.Minority-3164715.shtml
Jan 24 2008
OH

As someone with European pigmentation and facial structure, I have
always revered minority groups in America. The troubles they have
endured and still endure today signify their strength as a people.

And to be honest, I have always wanted to be at least part black or
Latino, but I was constrained to only imagine how great it must be
to feel myself as part of a larger, more important whole.

Lucky for me, in 2007 congress passed a resolution that condemned
the Armenian Genocide, the slaughter of roughly two-thirds of the
Armenian population by the Turks during the First World War. This came
as great news to me because I am fifty-percent Armenian; meaning, I was
no longer just another person, I was an oppressed minority. A calling
of such magnitude left me no choice but to live my life for my people.

I embarked on a crusade to raise the collective consciousness of our
downtrodden condition by placing an undue importance on the history of
the Armenian people, especially the Armenian Genocide. I even began
to flaunt my homeland’s ancient traditions, no matter how backward
they were. Animal sacrifice and speaking in tongues were good enough
for my ancestors, so they’re good enough for me.

To further strengthen my Armenian pride, I began to define myself not
only as an Armenian, but also in opposition to the Turkish people. It
felt great. I could now project my fears and insecurities onto others
so that I wouldn’t have to deal with them myself. For instance, I was
walking down the street when I passed a Turk walking in the opposite
direction, and I could just tell that he had it out for me. He was
just too Turkish with his nice suit and upright posture. There’s
no way he could understand the realness of my Armenian swagger. He
probably got all scared when he saw my t-shirt logo of a rising fist
surrounded by the outline of Armenia. Also, when I got fired from my
job for being lazy, I just blamed it on my Turkish boss who didn’t
get how we did things back in the Caucasus.

The best part is that everyone, the Turks included, gave me the
attention that I was after. This allowed me to further make demands,
act like a victim, and turn off my brain without yielding any negative
consequences. It made life easy like I always wanted it to be.

Even the few Turks that actually do still hate Armenians are a
blessing. Their belligerence only induces more sympathy for my crusade.

It has been many weeks now since I became a minority, and life still
keeps getting better. Before, existence was a constant struggle. I
always had a hard time deciding what to do for a living, and I never
could get a girlfriend. But now I just seek the guidance of my tribe.

I am happy to report that I am now dating a great Armenian girl I
met at the Armenian Orthodox Church where I am studying to become a
professor of Armenian-American studies.

To put the prunes on the mock paklava (thank you, Armenian cooking
class), my self-esteem has never been higher. Though to be honest,
it’s not exactly what I thought high self-esteem would feel like;
whatever, happiness and self-righteousness are probably the same thing.

But it was yesterday, while I was at the zoo, that I had an epiphany
which allowed me to understand the ultimate effect of defining myself
by my lineage.

As you may already know, a sign in front of each animal exhibit informs
the zoo’s patrons of the species, closest relatives, and country of
origin of the designated animal, which made me realize that humans
identify animals exactly as I now identify myself. We don’t learn
about an individual animal by inquiring into its thoughts, feelings,
and beliefs since it doesn’t have any. They are nothing over and
above their genetic makeup.

By identifying myself with my bloodline, I have become less of a
human being and more of an animal-quite possibly the most dignified
transformation one can undergo. After all, my psychology, and
environmental biology professors taught me that humans are the most
treacherous species on earth. I mean, it’s pretty much self-evident.

There is no need, however, to wait until you are an official minority
like I did. You can still renounce your ego, and surrender to a
group. Don’t surrender to just any group for even this entails a
decision. Rather, open yourself up to the wisdom of our animal brethren
and herd with people who look like you, the group into which you were
born. The responsibility of consciousness is a dangerous burden that
none should bear.