Town Hall, DC
April 27 2008

Bitter, Clingy Gun Owners of America
By Doug Giles
Saturday, April 26, 2008

I’m a bitter/clingy gun owner’and I’m happy about it!

Obama, the great healer of America, the hope of our nation, came out
last week and whizzed on millions of Christians and firearm fans
calling us bitter Cling-Ons to religion and guns. I, personally,
wasn’t insulted because I really like God and my rifles, and I make a
good living off my rage.

Yes, when I heard BHO blast us in front of his sassy San Fran crowd
and attempt to put a dig into us plebeians, I thought, finally, this
man has spoken the truth, unlike all the rest of the stercore tuari
he’s been spewing about his dear pastor, his home boy, Bill Ayers, and
his audacity of hype.

Matter of fact, I think he’s rather spot on describing me because I’m
one PO’ed Christian who owns guns’nice guns and very many guns. And,
yes, I’m rather clingy with them. I’m not alone either, as there are
millions of other brothers, from other mothers, who really, really are
endeared to our God-given right to self defense and firearm fun. Can I
hear a big amen, my brothers?

Yes, Barack, you may rightly call millions of us men `clingy’ because
the truth is, when the workday is done, boys just wanna have guns:
guns to hunt with, guns to look at, guns for personal defense and a
few zany lead spewers should al-Qaeda, or the anti-Christ, or any
foreign or domestic threat, or Godzilla ever attack America, we, the
clingy ones, will be ready to rock in a hard place, guaranteed.

Here are eight factoids I found that also cause backwards little old
me to clutch my wood and metal friend called the gun:

1. In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to
1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves,
were rounded up and exterminated.

2. In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5
million Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.

3. Germany established gun control in 1938, and from 1939 to 1945, a
total of 13 million Jews and others who were unable to defend
themselves were rounded up and exterminated.

4. China established gun control in 1935. From 1948 to 1952, 20
million political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were
rounded up and exterminated

5. Guatemala established gun control in 1964. From 1964 to 1981,
100,000 Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up
and exterminated.

6. Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000
Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.

7. Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one
million people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.

8. Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Century
because of gun control: 56 million.

As the old adage goes: `With guns, we are citizens. Without them, we
are subjects.’ Therefore, I’ll cling to my gun because I really enjoy
being a free bird and truly hate kissing someone else’s backside, but
that’s just me.

So, Barack, since you threw that supposed insult at me and millions of
other gun-needy Americans, I am going to react by doing the five
following things:

1. I am going to walk up to my gun cabinet and hug and kiss all of my
rifles and shotguns and tell them they are really good guns no
matter what any far-left liberal lug nut says about them.

2. Since I just finished my new book, How to Keep Thugs and Bad Boys
Away from Daddy’s Little Girl (Thomas Nelson, December 2008), I
need a break. Let’s see, what can I do? I know, I just got a custom
Ruger #1 elephant gun in 450/400 Nitro Express. I think I’ll go out
and celebrate with it in the South Florida swamps next
weekend. Clingy me is going to baptize it in wild boar blood as a
sort of a cordite warm-up pitch before I go bear hunting in Maine
this summer, aoudad and mountain lion hunting in West Texas this
fall, and Cape Buffalo hunting in Africa the summer of `09. I’m so
clingy!

3. I’m going to buy the new Ruger .380 LCP for my lady because she,
too, is also kinda clingy.

4. I’m going to cling more to God and Christ than I ever have before.

5. I’m going to vote for John McCain.

Doug Giles’ new book `A Time to Clash: Papers from a Provocative
Pastor’ is now available. Ann Coulter says "Doug Giles’ A Time to
Clash is a substantive and funny tour de force for traditional
values.’ Doug’s award winning talk show and video blog can be seen and
heard at

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