The Times
January 17, 2009
My Week: George Bush
According to Hugo Rifkind
Monday
My fellow Amerindians. This will be the last time I stand before you
as a Precedent. Many roads have we sailed together, this past decade
of eight years. As the old saying goes, what does not make you
stronger, destroys you. And that’s what has happened.
I am not a man for self-pity. Ain’t that pathetic? I’m so against
self-pity that sometimes it hurts, and that’s the truth. I sometimes
think nobody else realises that. It’s been hard. Many have been the
changes we have seen. Eight years ago, many of us would have
recognised Eyeraq on a map. Now, we could probably see it from space.
Where there were threats, we have counted them. Katrina came and went,
and I never even met her. Some guy called Dick Cheney used to work for
me. I ain’t seen him in months. In summeration, whatcha gonna do? I
shouldn’t a’ stood under that sign that said `Mission Accomplished’.
That wasa mistake. We were trying to say something, and people thought
we were trying to say something different. `Accomplished’. That was
the problem. It’s a very long word.
Tuesday
People of Amarillo. It seems I may have misunderestimated just when it
was that my final speech was in fact to take place. I ain’t going to
go on, but I will say this. Some folk reckon I should be doing more to
help the suffering Gazillions in Israelia. I say, the war on terrr is
a global affair, and we gotta accept that the Israelians know best. It
just ain’t our place to be Crocodile Dundee.
Wednesday
United Straits! As Mark Twain once said, rumours of my departure have
been greatly exfoliated. I’ve had Tony Blair in town, so he can get
the Presidential Medal of Freedom Fries. Tony’s my breast friend on
this old Earth, ’cause he stood shoulder to shoulder with me. Me, Tony
and Jesus against the world. I never get Tony and Jesus confused.
Tony ain’t got no beard.
Thursday
Still here. Seems I got my diary confused. What can I say? It’s been a
hard week. I’d be lying if I said I had not had some sleepless nights.
I’d be lying if I said I said I wasn’t changing all the taps
around. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t lifting up the carpet and
planting cress.
This morning, in the Oval Office, there was a man.
`I remember you,’ I said. `You’re Dick Cheney. Where you been?’
`Mainly hiding,’ he said, and then we shared a little laugh, for
reasons I do not know.
Cheney says he’s gonna retire. Kick back, find some other guy to shoot
in the face. Me, I’m gonna take a holiday. Catch up on some sports.
Windsurfing, jet-skiing. Although they say Obama’s going to outlaw
waterboarding. Maybe I’ll still be able to do it in Hawaii. Cheney
stares at me. `Christ,’ he says.
`I’ll be glad to get out of here.’ `Me too, Bud,’ I say, happily. `Me
too.’
Friday
People of America. Yeah, I know where I am. Fool me once, shame on
you. You fool me . . . aw hell. I never could get that.
But now it’s time. The bend is near. And so I’ve erased thefinal
curtain. Pretty soon, I’ll be hangin’ up my spurs and handing over to
President Osama. Packing up the wife, gathering the dogs, stirring my
daughters from whatever downtown barstool they’ve just slid down.
And I gotta say, I think we done pretty good. Eyeraq does not have the
problem of overpopulation it once did. Afghanistan has taken the first
step towards becoming many thriving democracies. And don’t go
cryin’ about the economy.
As my friend Norman Brown in the United England always tells to me,
this economy is a global problem which started in Armenia. So you want
to go and blame anybody, heck, you go blame them.