Santa Monica Daily Press
March 13 2009
Building the perfect man
March 13, 2009
I remember in my tweens, riding in the back seat on the way home from
church and telling my mother that when I became an adult, I would get
a nose job. My mother said something along the lines of, "Well, when
you’re an adult, you can make that decision." I took that as her being
supportive, her being sympathetic to my plight of having been cursed
with what plastic surgery Web sites call an "ethnic" nose ‘ my
father’s nose.
I never did get rhinoplasty. It’s not that I’m against plastic
surgery. No, on the contrary, I love it. My freshman year of high
school, I listened enthralled as my English teacher described how a
surgeon had peeled down her face to chisel off a calcium deposit on
her forehead, and then pulled her face back up like he was making a
bed. Plastic surgeons, good plastic surgeons, can perform miracles.
A few weeks ago, I was forwarded a fun list: The Most Desired
Features. Patients of plastic surgeons Dr. Toby Mayer and Dr. Richard
Fleming bring in glossy pages torn from magazines. Give me Angelina
lips, patients say. Beyonce eyes. Cheeks like Heidi Klum.
I can’t imagine tearing a nose out of a magazine and taking it in to a
doctor the same way, in high school, I walked into a hair salon at the
mall and asked for a "Rachel." But women do tear noses out of
magazines, and last year, the noses most torn out belonged to
Katherine Heigl, Amy Adams, and Michelle Williams.
Dr. Mayer and Dr. Fleming take note of which celebs’ features are most
requested ‘ they’ve been tracking this for the past 10 years ‘ and put
out their annual list.
I have spent far too much time the past couple of weeks thinking about
the list, studying the list, surfing the web for photos of
celebrities, contrasting Robert Pattinson’s jawline to George
Clooney’s. I have spent far too much time building a Franken-man.
The rule was simple: I could only use most-desired parts. Not since
junior high, when I wallpapered my bedroom with "Beverly Hills 90210"
posters from "Tiger Beat," have I spent so much time thinking about
which pretty boy is prettiest. But here he is, my Franken-man.
He has Josh Duhamel’s nose, James Franco’s eyes, Will Smith’s chin and
jawline, Wentworth Miller’s lips, Johnny Depp’s cheeks, and Matthew
McConaughey’s body.
This is not the way plastic surgeons operate.
In a conversation with Dr. Mayer, I asked him if he could show me on a
computer what I would look like with a different nose. He said no, but
his son, who is great with computers, could. Being a good plastic
surgeon and being good at Photoshop are two different things.
Dr. Mayer suggests that if you want to get an idea of how you will
look with plastic surgery, you should look at your plastic surgeon’s
work. For example, if you are considering plastic surgery from Michael
Jackson’s doctor, look at Michael Jackson; I most certainly don’t want
a nose job from that guy.
I’m over wanting a nose job at all.
Last year, I traveled to Armenia to see the country where my
grandfather was born. On the first day of my vacation, my guide
pointed out the car window to The Mountain of Ara, and began telling
me a legend. Ara the Handsome is the Armenian equivalent of Adonis,
the prettiest of pretty boys. An evil, Assyrian queen named Shamiram
(also known as Semiramis) was so captivated by Ara’s
Photoshop-good-looks that she tried everything to woo him away from
his wife and country.
Shamiram wasn’t good with rejection. She decided that if she couldn’t
have Ara, no one could. She wanted him dead, so she declared war on
Armenia, and after Ara was killed in battle, she had his body placed
on a mountaintop. Some sources say that mythical dog-like creatures
licked Ara back to life, but others say that Ara’s body became part of
the mountain.
"If you look," my guide said, pointing to the mountain’s peak, "you
can see the nose."
Ah, the nose. The most desired nose.
To check out the complete list of Most Desired Features, visit
Mar iel Howsepian digs black coffee, fairy tales and a man in
coveralls. She lives in Santa Monica and can be reached at
[email protected].