IMAGE – PROFESSIONAL APOLOGIZERS FOR OBAMA
by Jim Clark

Post Chronicle
12230248.shtml
May 14 2009

Dear President Obama,

In view of your imminent speech scheduled for Egypt in June, when
you kick-off your Mid-East round of apologizing for the existence
of the United States – let me congratulate you on your marvelous
apologizing on your London/Turkey visit – I’m taking the liberty of
suggesting that you avail yourself of the services of my company,
the Institute for Modifying All Governmental Entities, known as
IMAGE, for short. While your apologizing efforts are commendable,
I believe they can be improved. You may remember that the president
of Uganda called President Clinton’s remarks in his African round of
apologies so much "rubbish;" therefore, you need to be on your guard
about fouling up apologies since some shabby apologies have been
known to start wars. It is widely known that Hitler invaded Russia
because Stalin did not properly apologize for calling sauerkraut the
"fruit of the outhouse," or something like that.

One tool of IMAGE designed for proper apologizing is called the
Guidebook for Repentance Obviating Vicious Empire Legitimizing,
(GROVEL, for short). The instructors using this manual will help you
learn to apologize for the invasions of Kuwait, Afghanistan, Iraq,
and Guantanamo, as well as just thinking about invading Pakistan, as
you’ve lately threatened to do. Just saying that all this invading was
the Bushes’ fault will not help you since Middle-easterners not only
have short memories but multitudes of them are illiterate, as well,
so they never read al Jazeera and only watch the Buzkashi shows on
TV, sort of like American Polo but played using a dead goat as the
ball. Grovel will help you properly apologize in Egypt for Anwar
Sadat’s assassination by Muslim jihad-mongers not long after he met
with Jimmy Carter and shook hands with Menachim Begin, Islamists’
most hated Israeli at the time. Carter should apologize but no one
would believe him, so you should.

Grovel will also help you apologize for the fact that Saddam was
hanged in Iraq without the proper number of TV crews in place and for
the water-boarding of Sheik Khalid and the fact that a caterpillar
or earthworm was allowed to attack him in his cell at Guantanamo,
thus making him upchuck on his prayer rug while he was reciting the
Beheading-Vows. Grovel will probably suggest a side-trip to Armenia
and help you appropriately apologize to the Armenians for apologizing
to the Turks after you called attention to the genocide of 1915 in
order to get the Armenian-American vote. You also need to properly
apologize to the Afghani poppy-growers for claiming they should be
put out of business, especially since Ambassador-Supreme Holbrooke
said in March that to do so would be wasteful. Opium is their only
cash crop. Additionally, you would lose the vote of the hopheads in
this country.

The IMAGE department for facilitating good relations with those who
hate us is the Agency for Befriending All Sensitive Enemies (ABASE,
for short). Apologies to sworn enemies are very important. You should
immediately but carefully apologize to Iran President Ahmadinejad for
the remarks made to him by Columbia University President Bollinger in
2007, when the insensitive educator, just before Ahmadinejad gave a
speech there, said to him that he exhibited "all the signs of a petty,
cruel dictator." Bollinger was right, of course, but ABASE will fashion
for you an apology that will make him the equivalent of Attila the Hun
while making Ahmadinejad into the "pearl of the east," and also teach
you how to properly abase yourself with an appropriate genuflection
to any available ayatollah, imam, or other religious jihad-miscreant.