The Gazette, Montreal, Canada
May 23 2009

Hey, Mr. President! What did Canada ever do to you?

By JOSH FREED, The GazetteMay 23, 2009

Dear President Obama, Like most Canadians I rooted for you madly and
cried when you were elected President-of-The-World. So far, I think
you’ve been a great leader, reaching out to the whole planet.

But you’ve forgotten one nation – Canada.

On June 1, you will officially defend the "world’s longest undefended
border," a border I’ve crossed hundreds of times. From now on, we
Canadians need passports to enter the U.S., a major hassle for
truckdrivers, boaters and shmoes like me who can no longer cross to
buy cheap Polo shirts without remembering to pack passports for the
whole family.

This will also end a long U.S.-Canada tradition – the army of under-
21 U.S. college students who pour into Canada for their first legal
drinking binge. Many won’t bother to get the passports they’ll need to
get back into the States – so we may have to keep them.

Why the change? Our nations always boasted "the world’s friendliest
border," but now you Americans see us as Afghanistanada, a terrorist
haven with porous borders guarded by Frosty the Snowman. Your
politicians rant about our supposedly lax security. Last week, even
Hillary Clinton talked about "hardening" the U.S.-Canada "water
borders" with more patrols, as if the Great Lakes were filled with
Somali pirates.

Meanwhile, your new Homeland Security chief, Janet Napolitano, told
CBC the reason for the new passport law was that the 9/11 terrorists
"entered our country … across the Canadian border."

Hello? Fact check – or as CNN always says, "time to keep’em honest."
Sorry Mr. President, but none of the 9/11 terrorists came across the
Canadian border. You let them all in yourselves with your lax security
– so if anything we should be toughening our border against you.

Our only would-be Canadian terrorist was Ahmed Ressam back in 1999 and
they caught him at the border. But somehow the idea Canada was Jihad
Training Central for 9/11 bombers

became an urban myth – part of a "blame Canada" list that includes mad
cow, SARS and any U.S. blizzard.

Yes, Mr. President, I know your border policy is just a continuation
of Bush-league ones you inherited. But you don’t have the excuse Bush
did: He was dim and you’re brilliant. So why blame us? Are you trying
to show Americans you’re not as liberal as you look? I can hear the
cabinet meeting:

Adviser: Well, sir, you’re looking a bit soft on foreign
policy. You’ve opened up to Cuba, offered to talk with Iran’s
"I’m-a-dinner-jacket" and negotiate with Hamas and the Taliban. You’ve
got to show some toughness somewhere, sir.

Obama: Okay, I hear you. Let me check my BlackBerry here for a list of
countries to see where we can make a tough stand. Hmm … Albania,
Algeria, Angola, Armenia, Aruba – hey, how about Azerbaijan?

Adviser: No need, sir. We’ve already found a country – Canada!

Obama: But they’re completely harmless. They’re our best friends.

Homeland: Exactly, sir. They’ll never fight back.

Sorry, Mr. President, I understand America’s frustration. Eight years
after Sept. 11, you still can’t find Osama, you’re fleeing Iraq and
your banks are broke. But why take it out on Canada?

Do you really think demanding passports from 35 million Canadians will
stop terrorism, any more than seizing elderly ladies’ shampoo at the
airport? Professional terrorists don’t arrive at the border with a
crumpled Canadian Tire card, then plead to get in. They have real fake
passports.

Europe has gone the other way and eliminated all borders – you can
drive from Spain into France without noticing. Meanwhile, we need a
passport to ski in Vermont, which many Quebecers consider part of
Canada.

What next? Will you build an Ice Curtain between our countries and jam
our TV stations in the U.S. – to prevent Rick Mercer making fun of
you? Search and seize our hockey teams at airport security and
confiscate their skates?

It’s time Americans learned the truth about Canada, instead of the
jokes they hear from late-night comics.

Just last Tuesday, Jon Stewart said the only reason Canada can afford
medicare is that "Canadians don’t get sick, because they eat trees, In
fact the closest living relative to the Canadian is the beaver." "Oh,"
tittered Stewart’s guest." Won’t that offend your Canadian viewers?

"No," Stewart retorted, "Canadians don’t watch TV. They just got this
new thing called radio and they sit up all night listening to the Lone
Ranger."

Exactly right. In fact, we’re way too busy listening to Tonto to go
and make bombs – or carry passports. So President Obama, hear this:
We’re not going to take it anymore!

Open that border and shape up – or ship back that made-in-Canada
BlackBerry right now.

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